I Made It Til Now

If you have seen me around the months of October and November, you know how strongly I feel about all things Christmas happening far too soon. I get so frustrated as soon as I see advertisements with jingle bells.  My toes tingle with fury at the manifestations of capitalism and addiction to material possessions that bombard every media outlet with which I come into contact.  I wonder why people feel so compelled to skip Thanksgiving and jump right to Christmas.  Despite all the horrid parts of history that are typically glossed over in Thanksgiving celebrations, I think there is value in expressing gratitude- especially in the hopes of encouraging humility.  Thanksgiving, for me, is an important holiday.

I have to swallow my poor attitude and acknowledge that right now, I have strung twinkle lights in my room, added a Christmas channel to my Pandora radio account, burned a spruce scented candle, and prepared hot cocoa (with a dash of candy cane flavored vodka.)  My poor roommates, bless their hearts, heard me belt out Silent Night, Silver Bells, and Baby It's Cold Outside.  My neighbors downstairs heard me hammering into the wall repeatedly in order to get the twinkle lights in just the right spot.  I have given in to cultural Christmas. (Only a week and a half early- mind you!)

The thing is, I miss winter. Snow. Chill. Scarves. Boots. Carols. Walking Tucker in the crisp evening. Decorating a tree. Giggling over old ornaments.  Setting up the manger.  As the semester grows closer to an end and my excitement grows for travels back to the Midwest and the East coast, I find myself longing for the sense of warmth I feel around holiday time.  A few days in December when Christmas feels like the Christmas I have always known is not enough for me this year.  I am hoping to create a sense of holiday, of anticipation of new life, of renewal right here in my own home. My tiny little room.

To those who have felt slighted or judged by my anti-Christmas-Before-Thanksgiving sentiments, I do apologize. I won't be as big of a Grinch this year.

An Act of Self Care

A couple weeks ago, I called my insurance provider and requested a list of mental health professionals within a mile and a half of my address. A list of 5 appeared in my inbox a few short minutes later.  After Googling each of them, I reached out to one. Her response also appeared in my inbox shortly after my request.

And then it sat there. As each day went by, I became more and more aware that the one time slot she still had open in her Berkeley office would probably be filled before I could wrap my head around being in therapy again.  In one of the few moments yesterday when I didn't feel grey and fuzzy all over, I e-mailed her to find out if that spot was still available. Weekly, on Thursdays. 10 am. Three blocks from campus.

On my way to class today, she called. We set our first meeting for this week. Two days from now.  As soon as I hung up the phone with her, there was a shift in my demeanor. I was cheerful, glad for the sake of being glad. Participating in class didn't take everything out of me.  I spent 5 hours with a new friend and conversation flowed easily.  The grey cleared, just for a few moments.

I'm very much looking forward to beginning therapy again.  Seeing Sarah in Nashville this summer helped me grow in ways I didn't know I could.  I am under no illusion that I will address everything that needs to be addressed, or that I will become a brand new person after beginning this new relationship.  What I am, however, expecting is to be a more authentic me.  Authenticity and integrity are two of my strongest core values.  Seeing a therapist empowers me to do both, gives me tools to do both.  While I won't be this public about the contents of my sessions with this new therapist, I will be public about my advocacy for all people to enter therapy.  Even if you don't feel grey or fuzzy, like I have been feelings for a few months, there is nothing as enriching and vibrant as growing further in your understanding of your_self.

here it goes

I am about to do a new thing;
   now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
   and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19

Here I am again, friends. Seminary is a great place to start shaking up some thoughts in my dusty spirit.  My life feels like that tingling sensation that consumes an appendage when it's waking up from being asleep. It's uncomfortable, maybe even painful, but soon enough (and maybe quite suddenly) the feeling is gone, and you're ready to go- better than you were before.

I hope to use this blog to record some of that tingle.  Seeking prayers on my journey.