here it goes

I am about to do a new thing;
   now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
   and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19

Here I am again, friends. Seminary is a great place to start shaking up some thoughts in my dusty spirit.  My life feels like that tingling sensation that consumes an appendage when it's waking up from being asleep. It's uncomfortable, maybe even painful, but soon enough (and maybe quite suddenly) the feeling is gone, and you're ready to go- better than you were before.

I hope to use this blog to record some of that tingle.  Seeking prayers on my journey.

A Wee Bit Early

I have figured out my new years resolution. Just one. It was brought to my attention in an adult education session at my church at the beginning of Advent. The idea is simple: spend according to your values. This idea has been on my heart during a season especially associated with spending money. Throughout the course of my life, it's very fair to say that I have not always spent money responsibly. I purchase things I want, or that others want. I don't really think about the impact of my spending.

In this new year fast approaching, I enter into covenant with God to identify my core values (via conversation with close ones and a prayer retreat offered by the leadership of my church); commit them to memory through meditation, prayer, and practice; acknowledge them daily in places I frequent (a list written on a note card taped to a mirror, a "sticky note" on my desktop, a list in my calendar); and make financial decisions based on these values.

I understand that there are portions of my financial commitments that cannot be changed (rent, bills, church pledge), yet there are things that I can control.

For example:

I do not value gluttony and excess, so I will not eat out as often as I have thus far in my life.

I do not value commercialism and materialism, so I will not purchase goods simply because they are on sale or because I have a coupon.

I do value equity and justice, so when I feel compelled to give someone a gift for a birthday or other special occasion, I will make a fair trade purchase.

There is much to learn, much to prepare. Praise God for the season of Advent, that has taught me how to wait and get ready. Amen.

What I Learned

Disclaimer: I could not be more grateful for my life and my family, and the opportunities that have been given to me over the last 21 years. I hope very sincerely that this gratitude is not doubted or forgotten.

That being said: people ask me what I learned in Ecuador. I tell them about language, about service, about culture shock, etc. One thing I shared with my best friend is this: this is the part where I live my life for myself.

In 7th grade, when I was a glorious pre-teen, we moved from Corning to Rochester. I had a new life, for the time being. I knew that when I graduated high school, there was a very good chance that Rochester would no longer be my home. As it was, my family was split up before I left. My mom and I ended up moving to Elmhurst to join my dad about 6 months after he accepted his call here. Home became Niebuhr Hall 211, sort of. Because then, it went to 3 Elm Creek Drive Apt 314, or Apt 116. Then home was West Hall 226A. Then it was Prospect Apt 4, but only for 4 months because then I lived at la esquina de Baron de Carondelet y Pablo Herrera for 4 and a half months. And now, I live at 1012 1/2 North Blvd Apt 42. My idea of home has rarely been defined about the physical place I live, but about the people with whom I share my life.

To be quite honest, I am sick of this. I want church community. I want to be able to serve on a committee and pledge. I want to quit filing change of address paper work. I want to get involved in my community. I want to go to seminary. I am called to seminary. Since sophomore year, I have felt called to Chicago Theological Seminary. I want to be in care with a solid church community. I want to belong somewhere. I want stability, and solidness. I want to be still. I want to get to know a place, and live in it. I want to explore Boys Town and Andersonville and Pilsen and ride the L.

I have spent my life moving and shaking in some way or another, and I really would like to take this opportunity to be still. Know God. Know myself. This weekend, I will be attending a Ministry as Vocation conference at the Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley, California. After this weekend, I wonder how I will feel about seminary. I am wondering if it might be time...

Spring Break 2011

It's Tuesday, April 19. Christina calls: "Do you want to go to Galapagos for $400?"

And so it began. Instead of paying upwards of $1200 for a 5 day trip to the Galapagos Islands 525 miles off the coast of Ecuador, I paid $325. For this, I am very grateful. On the morning of Thursday April 21, I boarded an airplane with 15 others. With a stop in the coastal city of Guayaquil, we arrive in the Galapagos Islands early in the afternoon. Within one hour of landing, we've already seen crabs, sea lions, fish, and many different kinds of birds. I want to say that these islands are more beautiful than you've ever imagined. The sunset from our boat (Yate Amigo) was probably the most beautiful I have seen in my entire life. Many of us went to bed early the first night, after a brief orientation from our guide Andres and an excellent dinner, with the excitement bubbling inside for our first snorkeling adventure that we would have the next day.

And was it ever an adventure! Over the course of 3 days of snorkeling, we saw sharks, penguins, sea lions, sting rays, an octopus, and dozens of species of fish. The coral was beautiful. The current was strong and the water was warm. Snorkeling was also an excellent way to tan the entire back side of our bodies. I had never gone snorkeling before, so it was a really cool opportunity for me.

We did some walking on some islands to see things like sea lions and land iguanas. We also walked on an island that was a really cool mix of older island that had become more fertile and (relatively) fresh lava that had cooled in really neat patterns. I actually learned a lot. It was cool to pair that knowledge with the experience of sitting on top of our boat to really experience the way the waves crashed against the rocks in the distance or how the sun looked like it was just taking a rest along the horizon.

We spent two nights on the island of Santa Cruz. It felt so much different than Quito. Everyone and everything was more tranquilo. It was safe for us to walk around at dusk without worrying that our things would be stolen from us and without cat-calls. The first night, there was a small music festival that was really cool. The second night, I went to bed earlier to get up for an early flight back to the mainland. It was an easy day to travel- but I managed to take nearly every kind of transport Ecuador offers! We rode in a taxi/truck to a harbor where we took a boat across the way, took a shuttle bus to the air port, flew back only to take a typical taxi home, then to hop on an overnight bus to a beach! It felt like quite an accomplishment.

I went with some other friends to a beach called Puerto Lopez which is really close to a beautiful beach called Los Frailes. It was awesome as well because the beach was pretty empty since it was the middle of the week. We were able to leave our things on the beach while we all swam together, which was fun. We hiked up to a mirador to be greeted with a beautiful view of the sun kissing the cliffs in the distance and waves chasing each other to a distant shore. We spent a couple of our days there, being transported by (as Christina called it) a tuk tuk.

We also spent a day hiking around a place called Isla de la Plata. On the mainland, it's know as the "poor-person's Galapagos" because some of the same animals can be found there. It was a really cool day with awesome lunch on the boat before we did some more snorkeling. I also jumped off the top of the boat! It was a challenge for me because I'm not the biggest fan of heights, but it was something I wanted to do.

We headed back on Friday evening the 29 and it was one of the worst bus rides I've taken in Ecuador (second to Cuenca, where I was sick every hour) I made it, though, to gear up for the last week of classes and catch up on things before I head back to the states on May 15. The week is going well so far and I'll be back sooner than y'all know it!

Things of Late

01. Two exams, four essays, one presentation left: spread over 3 days of class.

02. Christina and I are in McDonald's and a little Ecuadorian girl says "hi girls" as she passes the first time, "hi girls again" the second.

03. We meet Marco from Germany. We proceed to prepare him his first ever s'more. He proceeds to eat 3 of them.

04. Quito floods- people evacuated from the Trolebús via little raft. Photo here.

05. The power goes out on our block because of aforementioned flood. I am showering, with shampoo in my hair and half of one leg shaved.

06. A lady is parked (literally) on the street corner. To my friend Juliana I say, "seriously?" The lady is right there and says "I'm sorry!" I see her son in the car and say "qué lindo!" (how pretty). I subsequently become the most awkward person of her day.

07. I pay a 25¢ bus fare with fifteen pennies and two nickels.

08. I take an Ecuadorian school bus a third of the way to school. For free.

09. I get irrationally possessive of the host family who is also wearing on me.

10. I register for my last fall semester of undergraduate work.

11. I become increasingly convinced that I will be the owner of a Mac before the end of summer.

12. I spend more than I earn in a month on gifts and souvenirs.

Ok I'm sick of writing like that haha. I really just want this semester to be finished (academically) and I am getting anxious to return to the U.S. but I also know I will cry my face off saying goodbye to my host family. I go back 4 weeks from today. By this time, I will be having Chinese food with my parents. I will go home and sleep in my own bed. I will get up the next day, get a hair cut then have lunch with Julie&Des&Laura. Then I will visit work, and the Niebuhr Center, and the Chaplain's Office. Then I will look for my roommate. I will ride my bike home alone in the dark and not be worried or scared. I am anxious for this..

I am beginning to dislike my volunteer work. It is strenuous to get up and go to work three times a week. I dislike being told the flowers I picked out are ugly. I dislike cutting my fingers when I prepare the vegetables. I especially don't like how I'm not convinced I made a damn bit of difference in the lives of the people I fed for 3 months. I am upset with my program coordinator for not having us write journals and cause us to make something out of this experiences. I am frustrated at the organization where I volunteer for not being more organized and having other things for me to do. I am, in general, just tired of this. Is it because I am not working toward justice?

I am also wondering if it is a spiritual thing. Lent has pretty much been nonexistent in my life while here. I have really not engaged with God in the ways I had hoped I would while here. The first time I prayed in a long time was when I found out Tucker (my dog) was showing signs of getting older and I asked God to help him wait until I got home so I could see him one more time. Between the service work I am doing and simply being in a new place, I anticipated being in a much different spiritual place at this point in my life. I'm not saying it's Gods fault; and I'm not necessarily saying it's my fault, either. All I feel confident in is the spiritual activity I will have when I return to a church community upon my return to the U.S.

So, I guess I am feeling a lot all at once but I also feel kind of disengaged from it.. I have my days and..there they are. I am running out of energy. I don't exactly know where to find it, either. Based on my last paragraph, you'd think I'd know the answer to that problem. I'll chug through the next four weeks and see where I end up.

Vlog

and these could be the happiest days of my life

There are not a lot of Ecua days left. It is kind of getting me down lately. I don't know how I want to feel. I love Ecuador. I am in love with Ecuador. I love the people, even when they annoy or scare me. I love the food, even after the fifth day in a row of having rice. I love the buses, even though they pollute the environment more than ten million aerosol cans. I love doing my laundry and hanging it up on the roof, even if that means nervously getting down to my last pair of underpants. I love the weather, even when I have the annoyance of carrying around a rain coat I won't use. I love the language, even when I have to ask my host family to repeat their sentences two and three times. I love my classes, even though I usually only understand about 80% of what is going on.

I am learning so much here, about myself and about others. I love that I can travel with such ease. It would appear that I'm going to be working intensely on spring break plans; I'm learning how to do all these things on my own. I learn how to ask for help even when I am scared to do so. I am learning how to have bad days and know that they are still a valuable part of my experience. Last night, I left my phone at the bar and I didn't freak out when I couldn't find it. I knew that it would all be alright. While I learned the phrase keep calm and carry on in England, I am learning how to live it in Ecuador. Things happen, but you just have to roll with the punches and work with what you've got.

It's easy for me to be frustrated. There are times when I ask a taxi driver if they know where a certain intersection or place is, and he says yes, and then proceeds to not know exactly where he's going. Or when my shades will not open for the life of me. Or when I trip over the comforter that is about twice as big as my bed. It's easy for me to get annoyed (at myself and others) when I can't convey what I want to say, especially when I feel like I have explained myself very clearly and they still miss the point (cough cough culture professor).

I know this is all over the place, but I just have so many feelings! I think putting them away is just a bad idea. All I really know is that I will not be here much longer and that is terrifying and exciting at the same time.