Fluent in Love

I used to think that in order to love someone, I had to do everything. Take them out to dinner. Buy them flowers. Do their laundry. Tell them all the time how beautiful, kind, and smart they are. I would hug them and say, "I love you."  Spend every free moment with them. If sex was a part of our relationship, I would have sex whenever she wanted, however she wanted. If I loved someone, I would dream them. Adore them. Give everything of myself for them.

Let me say that for a long time, I tried to sustain this lifestyle-- not just with my girlfriends, but with my family and friends as well.  I wanted to say the kindest things.  Buy them the best gifts, even if I couldn't afford them. Stay up too late hanging out because how would they know I loved them if I didn't spend all my time with them?  You may be able to see how unmanageable and, frankly, irresponsible these behaviors are.

So when a friend sent me a quiz online that would tell me what my love language was, I felt kind of curious. I thought I had this love thing on lock. I nailed it. I was doing it right.  I felt this way especially because I come from the Christian tradition.  A tradition that, culturally, upholds the belief that sacrificial love is the ultimate kind of love.  According to any ol' Christian, Christianity will tell you that unless you give absolutely everything of yourself to someone else, like Jesus did, you aren't actually emulating the way Jesus loved.

What does this mean for someone whose love language is physical touch?  I am most meaningfully fulfilled through consensual and appropriate touch.  A kiss on the cheek from a parent. A hug from a dear friend. Sex with a lover. What happens if those things consume my life?  How unsafe is it for me to only know how to express romantic love through sex? What risks do I face?  How can I respect a friend who may have different physical boundaries around hugs or cuddles?  What if I cannot tell my parents and family that I love them without kissing them on the cheek?

It means that the Christian church needs to have a new conversation about what love looks like. Can look like. We need to look at the ways Jesus expressed love, and invited us into love.  Remember that Jesus asked us to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Jesus calls us to love ourselves.  Offer balance... forgiveness... compassion to our_selves. Jesus asks us to be fluent in our own love language.  To know how to use it to sustain us and give us life and also how to help us communicate the intricate parts of our hearts and spirits to others.

#okcupid #Christian #andveryseriousaboutit?

The other day, some friends and I were talking about dating and before too long, we got onto the topic of okcupid.  It's an inevitability.  1 out of 3 marriages begin online, and (if my own dating history is evidence) even more people meet their dates online.  70% of the people I have dated looked through my profile and felt curious enough to meet me in person.

Before our conversation gets too far, someone asks, "so.. do you list your religion or leave it blank?"  We're given such excellent options: 6 mainstream religions (Catholicism even separated from Christianity), atheism, agnosticism, or the (always helpful) "other."  The next drop down box is even more curious:

okcupid, among other dating sites, is one of the primary mechanisms people of all ages use to find everyone from a hook up to their forever love.  Integrating the concept of faith life into the mix is so challenging.  Faith can be just as diverse as the people and sexualities we can find on many dating sites. And yet they can feel to us as superficially related as we feel about a profile that barely reflects the depths of who we are.

So where do we begin?  Sexuality has already recognized that faith is a part of a person's life- and that there are many ways of interacting with it.  Maybe faith is something we are "very serious about."  Maybe we don't exactly know what's going on and are kind of bumbling through until we settle somewhere- and maybe we won't settle anywhere.

I wonder what it would look like if spirituality approached sexuality the same way.  As something to be discovered, a continual process of exploration, something we can take seriously or something we can have fun with.

From where I sit, there is only one place to start: honest expression of both.  I told my friends that on my okcupid page, I do share that I am Christian.  I don't indicate a level of seriousness because that can change a million times a day.  I feel very comfortable merging my faith life with my sexuality. Pouring my spirit into my sexuality.  Placing sexuality as my primary identity, and putting Christianity into it.

What I invite myself to do next is to pour my sexuality into my faith life.  Be a public witness to the way body and love have come together to sustain my spirit in ways equal to that of traditional worship on a Sunday morning.  In contexts where I am asked to be a spiritual person first and everything else second, weave in elements of the way healthy sexuality and bodylove have come to form me as a spiritual being.

Two parts. One whole.