I just exercised.

And it feels awesome.

I can take back my body from everything that has been stressing me out. This is the one thing I can control, and I'd like to.

::silence::

Whenever I give up on my work for God, I am reminded why I have embraced the call.

I recently wrote an electronic devotional (evotional) for the church at which I am interning. Just this evening, I got an e-mail containing something along the lines of the following:

This gentleman's uncle passed away, after having been a long time member of this church. The pastor who delivered the memorial service for this uncle referenced something I had written. The uncle had my piece out on his nightstand, and the pastor had found it. The original gentleman said, "So Ally, THANK YOU for writing a wonderful Evotional, it must have been one of the last things my uncle read."

I am speechless. I'm surprised I've gotten this far. All I can do is give thanks to God for providing people and circumstances in my life who have encouraged me to embrace my call to some sort of pastoral care. I am so thankful. There are really not enough words for how much this means in the context of my life right now.

May it be so.

"It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for God gives sleep to God's beloved." Psalm 127:2

Today is the day I recommit to myself.

"True colors are beautiful like a rainbow."

Unimportant note: in my head, I hear the Glee version of this song.

At Elmhurst College this week, it is PRIDE week. Three people (we're pretty sure they are male) took the liberty (one they really didn't have) to slash through our huge pride flag.

I don't need to write to you about how inappropriate and cowardly their actions were.

All I can ask is that you become an ally, and an active one. We cannot do this alone.

I have never been more scared. or more proud.

"If you want to be happy, be." Leo Tolstoy

This may be a cheesy entry, but it is about Glee. Yes, the TV show. It started again today. Season 1 continued. Or is it season 2? Who knows. What I do know, though, is how I feel with regard to Glee. They picked the perfect title for that show. I feel so happy.

But I think there is a lot more to this. I like Tolstoy's words. If I want to be happy, all I need to do is let myself be happy. I'm not saying that I can choose how I feel, or choose how I respond to the world around me. What I can choose is what attitude I take for my life. This is my life. I don't need to be sad or stifled because my best friend is PMSing, or because another friend is overwhelmed with work and deadlines. I can love them and empathize with them, but I do not need to embrace their emotions as my own.

I also don't need a reason to be happy. If I want to be happy, I can be. Every individual is entitled to happiness, and that includes me. As much as I want to give to others (emotionally, spiritually, physically), I need to keep those things for myself, too. I don't like the idea of withholding from others to keep for myself, but joy is a renewable resource. I hope the people I love can learn that they deserve to embrace happiness for themselves, too.

"I listened to the music and thought about all the things that people have said to me over the past year." Perks of Being a Wallflower

I am going to embark on what might be one of the most challenging musical tasks of my life.

My best friends are graduating college and what does that mean? Mix tapes.

This may sound trivial to many of you, but I have found that I don't always have the courage to tell people how I feel so I make them mix tapes.

Each song has a meaning. A song could have lyrics that perfectly describe how I feel about someone, or how I've felt in the past. It could have lyrics that describe a moment we've shared together. The song itself could be the song we danced to at every party, or listened to every time we got into her car, or the song she always seemed to have as her Facebook status.

Some songs have the perfect melody to describe the song she wrote in my heart. It might have the sinking bass line that fits how low we've been together. It might have the perfect chord to display how correct and perfect everything felt with her.

[I use gender specific pronouns because all of my best friends are female.]

Most days, lyricists can describe how I feel better than I can. Fear not, friends. Each mix tape will have (what is likely to be) a long hand written note expressing whatever is left on my heart.

The words may have lost their meaning, but I love you. each and every one of you.

“Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow's too lazy to form an opinion" Will Rogers

I'm not sure what that quote means in relation to my lack of blogging, but I know that I have not put my own mental sanity at a priority level. It is my hope to get back on track over the next few days so that I might explore more beautiful areas of life.

I am happy because I went through and did a lot with my e-mails tonight. I went from 45 to 19, which doesn't sound like a lot, but it really is for me. I prefer a smaller inbox.

Tonight, I'll be praying for good relationships for the people I love. And I'll be praying for my family as they are in different parts of their lives and different parts of the country.

I love you, mom and dad. I hope you're having fun on your trips. You mean everything to me.

I will try not to be lazy in my blogging anymore. Thanks for the grace period.

"When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." Goo Goo Dolls

Note: I'd encourage you to listen to this song while reading. I am.

I am listening to this song and remember concerts I have been to in my life. There is nothing quite like singing a song at the top of your lungs. It feels like the first time you've ever heard the song, only you know how the song feels in your heart. You think of that person, or place, or time. You remember everything so vividly. I'd like to argue that this feeling is better than any high from any drug, even though I don't do drugs. I can't imagine anything chemically creating this feeling of oneness with so many people all at the same time.

3:48

It's you. And so many people who have felt those lyrics with you. Those chord progressions. That bass beat. All are one.

I've never been to a Goo Goo Dolls concert, but I've been to others. I know these words are true, even though I've not done it with this song. It really is beautiful how similar we all are.

"It's only you, beautiful, or I don't want anyone. If I could choose, it's only you." Brand New

Days are never long enough or busy enough to make you forget why you fell for someone in the first place.

Sorry this is late. And that is really all I have for today, anyway.

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." e.e. cummings

01. Sorry this is late; I didn't get back to my room until ten minutes ago. We were working on a display case for Take Back the Campus Week.

02. I used the same Ralph Waldo Emerson quote twice. I realized earlier today.

What about today ... I think the greatest part of today was seeing some of the people I love laughing. I think people are their truest selves when they laugh so much that they cannot control it anymore.

One friend laughed because I think she felt silly, and was reminded of times when life was simple. All it took was a triple-dog-dare to spoon a huge fork full of pie into her mouth. The idea was so standard, so meaningless, and yet she laughed in a way that reminded me so much of who I believe she is.

Another friend and I just had to look at each other. She knew what I was thinking before we had even made eye contact. We knew the interaction that was about to follow, so she just laughed. The familiarity that comes along with a friendship like this one makes all the serious times easier and the humorous times that much funnier.

Yet another friend just watched me do something stupid, and she let out a small chuckle and shook her head. That was something beautiful to me, too. Nothing grandiose or from the gut, but from the heart. The ease of teasing and meaningless taunts came to a climax with a small chuckle and an "oh allykins..."

For the pure and truest forms of joy, I am so thankful. And especially for those who bring that joy into my life.

"Everything in the universe goes by indirection. There are no straight lines." Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't do well at this whole blogging thing. What I really want to write about is the amazing feeling I got in the depths of my heart at the anthem I heard the small choir share at an 8:00 am service celebrating the risen Christ.

But all I feel like I can write about is my current state. It feels impossible to draw on the warmth and hope I felt so early this morning. All I can feel is how I feel now. And I don't want to use this blog project to sort out my feelings because what the heck kind of read is that, for anyone who might read this? I want to be able to process things and reflect on what I really want to remember for the day. And here I go ... processing my feelings.

And what will happen after this is that I will leave the situation that is claiming my entire attention, and I will go to sleep. I'm great at avoiding things, I think.

I also know that this public blog is not the place to process all the things I need to process in order to have a functioning life. Maybe I will have to start writing (by hand!) in my regular journal again. That really helped in London. I think it needs to help now, too.

To anyone who stuck with this entry this far, thanks. And hopefully I'll have something better tomorrow.

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose." Tennessee Williams

Here is a break from the Holy Week-themed entries of the past few days. Today, all I did was have fun. This is not intended to be a catalog of the days events, but today reminded me how life can be good, just by happening.

I woke up and picked up around the house, sort of got my stuff all together. I baked some cookies for our police officer friend, Suzanne, to have after she got off a 16 hour shift. I went bowling with Stacey, which was a lot of fun. I got 111 the first time (Stacey got 117) and the second I got 77 (Stace got 100). I also had bumpers! Oh man. what fun. I've not been bowling in almost a year. This was a nice treat. We took a nice drive to Dani's apartment to grab Stacey's swim suit; on the way home, she got some KFC. We started making cookies and then realized we needed more sugar, or some such thing. And that I also had forgotten my car in downtown Elmhurst! We went to the Jewel over by school and drove home listening to the same few songs on the radio (Telephone, Bedrock, Whatcha Say) I proceeded to spill oats on myself. Stacey rocked mom's mixmaster with oatmeal cookies. We put chocolate chips in some, craisins in some, and she put some walnuts in hers. We "did homework" while they baked, and by that I mean did NOT do homework at all! Suzanne and her daughter Olivia came over, so we played with her a bit; we had Domino's for dinner. Stace and I went swimming and it was fun; I'd not been swimming in a long time.

I like to believe that there is some lesson to be learned every day, or something to conclude, or some sort of take-away point. Today, that little nugget is not something to be described with words, it is to be felt in a new friendship, or in the life of a small child, or in the joy of laughter.

Jesus .. remember me when you come into your kingdom.

(I've not watched the images on the video, only listened.)

This song has been on my mind all day. It is Good Friday. God's Friday. This is the most poignant part of the crucifixion of Jesus, for me. There God Incarnate is. Dying. Near him are two others, dying, suffering just as he is. One mocks Jesus, pleading for his own life, asking Jesus to "save us, and [him]self!" The other man accepts that he is dying, right next to the Christ. He chides the first man, reminding him that they are both condemned justly, but that Jesus had done nothing to deserve death ..and yet, he hung their dying as well.

Imagine this man, turning to Jesus ..calling to Jesus. Imagine him saying with every desperate gasp of his dying breaths, "Jesus .. remember me when you come into your kingdom."

The entire point of the betrayal, the death, and the rising of Christ happens in Jesus next words.. "truly, I tell you: today, you will be with me in paradise." The man Jesus says these words to is a criminal. And yet, Jesus, as he hang dying as well, invites the man to be with him in paradise. Jesus makes a relationship with this man.

This isn't particularly eloquent or profound; Jesus takes all that credit today. I am glad to call him teacher and brother.

"Never make a defense or an apology until you are accused." King Charles I

Tonight, I participated in a relatively common experience, but still it was one I'd not yet had. Today is Maundy Thursday. It is the day in the Christian church when we remember the last supper Jesus had with his disciples before he was killed. At tonights service, I was given the opportunity to wash peoples feet. The first man who came to my basin asked if he could wash my feet as well, and I accepted. A mother came with her young daughter, and they washed each others feet. The mother asked the daughter if she was thinking about Jesus doing this same action, too. Others came and went in silence. Then a young boy, I would guesstimate around 8th or 9th grade, came and sat on the chair and started apologizing. His tone was not one of repentance or cleansing, but he kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." as if I would rather be doing something else. I wonder if there were other things on his heart. What drew him to leave his table and sit in the chair in the corner so that I may wash his feet? What may he be thinking now, mere hours later? I kept telling him not to be sorry, that I was glad to do this for him, that I wanted to. He wouldn't look at me or at his feet, but kept looking elsewhere. It is my hope that whatever might be lingering in his spirit will be shaken more with tomorrow's remembrance of Jesus' death, and that his spirit will be calmed by the new covenant created by Christ's resurrection.