"Everything in the universe goes by indirection. There are no straight lines." Ralph Waldo Emerson

School has been in session for two weeks now. I'm pretty sure I knew this would happen, but I'm already behind and a little burned out. Six hours per week will be committed to student organizations. Thirteen hours per week are dedicated to working tours and Niebuhr Center combined. Twelve and a half hours will be spent in class. That doesn't really sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot. I'd love to say that I feel like I am contributing and furthering my education, but I can't really say that at all. I'm not sure if I am becoming a better person. I'm not sure of relationships. I'm not sure why I do the things I do. I'm not sure if I'm breaking promises I made to myself, to friends, and to God. I don't know how to rectify those broken promises. I can't understand if I am betraying who I am and the things which I believe. I want to think I am changing the way I see the world and the way I display who I am. I also feel like I'm taking 2 steps in an opposite direction, not necessarily backward, just in a direction I was not anticipating. I've found that I'm not as good of a listener or comforter as of late because I'm too concerned with my own matters. I don't give to my friends the things they may need from me. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I feel really out of touch with God and with nature and with people in whom I have distinctly seen God. I feel like I am not compassionate or empathetic. I fear that I have run out of time to feel anything. All I feel is like the beginning of Garden State, where Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) is sitting on the airplane with chaos all around him, but he does nothing but sit there. I am engaged in the chaos, but I still feel like I am separate from it. I know exactly how someone else would see my life and what someone else would do, but I never do it for myself. I have become far too concerned with what others think of me; I value their opinions more than my own. I can't hold my ground in a conversation; I play on quick wit or sarcasm or teasing to get me through. I can remember about 3 times in the past two weeks that I have had a genuine moment with someone when I wasn't trying so hard to be something I thought I was ready to be. This will be how this semester is, or I need to learn how to say no and advocate for my needs. I've always thought I was skilled in those departments, but they seem to have disappeared in my confidence in them. It seems I have a lot of rearranging to do.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Mary Anne Radmacher

This entry is dedicated to one of my best friends.

She is amazing and is inspiring me to take some more action with my life and my body. I love her and I hope to be more like her.

“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have already ceased striving for truth and have begun striving for ourselves” Abraham J. Heschel

Specifically: That quote is true and it's being tested today and I'm not happy about it.

Generally: I would love to be able to be able to choose how I handle situations. I get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see logically and I can't get past anything at all. It has really been detrimental to my life and will only continue to do so until I learn how the heck to keep myself on track. Anything else I say will just be a restatement of that sentence so this is where I am ending this.

I'm going to go read Twilight and escape this bullsht situation that I call my life.

“We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.” May Lamberton Becker

I'm starting to do a lot more on my own, I think. I'm becoming more self-reliant. I think. I'm not exactly sure. I'm doing things like making dinner more often, or stopping on my way home from work to get groceries. I bake. I'm currently attempting to make potato bread in the bread machine. I've been doing my own laundry for as long as I can remember. I don't do my own finances yet, but that's a bit over my head at this point. I take my own initiative to make appointments (or I will once I get back to school). I wanted to buy my own planner rather than wait for my parents to suggest to me that I get one.

I'm not sure if this is me actually growing up, or if it's me catching up to where I should be at this age. I'm not quite sure. I'm really excited to have pseudo-apartment style living this year. I feel more adult going into this year than I have for any other academic year. I feel a new dedication to my classes as well as the student organizations I intend on joining. That may be because I now have responsibilities in two of those clubs. Either way, I am feel like a part of a bigger picture. This feels like what adult life might feel like once I'm not in school anymore.

I'm also petrified that I'll get my own place some day and fall flat on my face and not know what to do. The things I enjoy are not things that will be helpful when I have to make my first rent payment. I also feel like I'm getting a little far ahead of myself here. It is a lifestyle choice of mine to enjoy the life I have while I have it while not worrying excessively about the future. I'll learn how to pay the bills when it's my responsibility to pay the bills. I'm getting a fish. That will be enough responsibility for a while.

I don't want to get burned out, but I also need to become a lot more independent and responsible. I am excited to schedule in work-out time with my roommate, Sarah, this term. I'm excited to have meetings and to be a relatively important piece of those meetings. I might go back to my grandma's for Thanksgiving without either of my parents. I want to live a full life, being myself, growing in to my self. It feels like a tricky balance: responsibility and development combined with having the fun a soon-to-be 19 year old should have. I know that I can do both: it's just doing it at the right pace that might become a bit of a challenge.

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." Pres. Obama

So here's the deal. There's crap I shouldn't do and I do it anyway. The main one I have come across as of late is judging people based on their political thought systems. It doesn't matter what mine is like, though if you've spend 5 minutes with me, it would be quite clear where my values may rest. I haven't been directly confronted with specific people or issues that have caused me to think about this; politics are the way of life of most people in the United States, even if they don't name themselves a Democrat or a Republican.

The fact of the matter is, I judge someone every time I find out that he or she thinks a different way than I do. I know that a lot of people do that even if they don't realize it, but I often feel my prejudice is a bit more of a hindrance than I'd like it today. A girl I met once updated her status on facebook with a political statement with which I disagreed and I seriously considered deleting her. How immature of me. There is a guy I was attracted to once (and still would be if he didn't live 600 miles away) and whenever I tell someone about him I say, "he's cute, he's liberal, etc etc" and continue to list off traits I find appealing.

It's natural to be drawn to people who share the same values and ideals that you do, but I actually think my preconceived notions of all people who don't think the way I do will hinder me in the future from developing good relationships. I want to expand my horizons and see things in perspectives I may not have always considered. It is easy for me to say that, but if you stick me in a room with someone with traditional views, I will dismiss their ideas as ridiculous and old-fashioned the second they open their mouths.

I really dislike that this is my mentality, but the first step to fixing a problem is admitting that that problem exists. The bottom line is this: I do want to work with all people to make a better country, a better world. I do want to learn more about peoples' life experiences and other circumstances that lead them to believe what they do. I want to be challenged in my belief system, so that when it is challenged when it might be most crucial, I can defend what I believe and know why I believe it.

I have a feeling it will be one of the hardest things I will ever undertake, but I really need (and intend) to work on being more open minded to people with different political views than my own, while still learning and developing my own platform.

"After all this time?" "Always." // "the last enemy to be defeated is death"

Disclaimer: if you do not like Harry Potter, there is no point in you reading this entry. I completely nerd out.

I have been thinking about Harry Potter a lot lately (more so than usual) for a couple of reasons.

01. Half Blood Prince came to theaters (you have been living under a rock if you did not know this.)

02. I recently (as in yesterday) finished rereading Deathly Hallows.

I am thinking mostly about Snape. In my opinion, he is one of the greatest characters in the series, if not the greatest. I really admire his love for Lily. When I read The Prince's Tale chapter, I am completely blown away again and again. The compassionate, romantic Snape has never before been exposed to the readers, but it still fits. It suddenly all makes sense. Besides finding out that he is indeed with the Light, we find out so much truth about his core character. It is even clear in his dying action: looking Harry in the eyes. Lily's eyes.

Dumbledore always said it was love that protected Harry. Voldemort never believed it and Harry rarely did. Love did protect Harry: Lily's love for Harry, supplemented by Snape's love for Lily. Even though, to Snape, Harry was the symbol of everything he had wanted. Harry is a representation of Lily's love for someone else. Snape had every reason to detest Harry- the son he never had with Lily. Despite that, Snape continued risking his life for love. Maybe he thought that he owed it to Lily; to protect what she loved was to protect her memory.

Oh, Snape. I hope to someday love as you did.

-----Completely Different Topic, While Still HP Related-----

Remus Lupin has the crappiest life of all the characters who I've contemplated so far, and he handles it really poorly.

In school, he was sort of the less cool counterpart to James and Sirius, his only dignity coming from the fact that he was (and always is) 10x cooler than Peter Pettigrew.

He grows up and James is murdered.

For 13 years, he believes his other best friend to be a murderer, and even if he wasn't, Sirius would still be locked up in Azkaban.

Even when THAT is cleared up, Sirius dies two years later.

Meanwhile, Peter Pettigrew just continues to be a douche bag Death Eater in Voldemort's pocket.

Then he marries Nymphadora Tonks, which is cool, except for how he doesn't really love her 100%.

Harry, then, calls him out on his crappy behavior so Remus knows he can't hide behind his "for the cause" attitude.

AND! during all of this, he is a werewolf, a lifestyle accompanied by terrible stigma.

Things start to look up for Remus. He has a kid and seems pretty pleased about it.

Though he doesn't know it, things against Voldemort are going pretty great, relatively speaking.

And then he goes and dies. Talk about a crappy life. It makes me sad to think about.

His happy ending, though, is in death, I suppose. He is on with all of those who died before him: James, Sirius, Lily, Tonks. This sounds trippy, but I think that when I have accepted that death actually happens to people, I will understand more of who Remus Lupin is and be able to look on his life with hope that things are better for him.

"Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted." - John Lennon

I really like that quote- in terms of wasting time with other people. Hanging out with friends vs working on homework, for example. Every late night paper has been worth the time I spent with other people- even if just at the time.

What about the other time I waste? When I open my Internet browser, this is what happens:

01. facebook.

02. elmhurst e-mail.

03. mugglenet.

04. f my life.

05. gives me hope.

06. texts from last night.

07. found magazine. (1x daily)

08. a softer world. (1x daily)

09. youtube (for subscriptions).

10. twitter.

11. yahoo e-mail.

12. postsecret (on Sundays).

How much time do I waste every day looking at daily update things? FML, GMH, and TFLN update multiple times daily! What could I be doing instead? Does it really matter how fcked up some one's life is? Seeing those FML's remind me how much better my life is than a lot of people.

It also makes me think of what other people might say:

"Today, my mother died from HIV/AIDS. FML."

"Today, my children couldn't eat because my job was outsourced. FML."

"Today, I was late for work because I was hungover and slept through my alarm. This will be the third job I lose this month. FML."

"Today, my daughter won't get her prescription medication because my health insurance fell through. FML."

Instead of reading about peoples fcked up lives, I could be working toward fixing ^those^ problems in the world. I could be researching advocacy groups and non-profit organizations. How much of my life am I willing to waste?

It's so easy to forget how fortunate and privileged I am. It is easy to just say "well I'm doing more than a lot of people, so I'm good." This is a poem I'm really in to:

When they came for the communists,

I remained silent;

I was not a communist.

Then they locked up the social democrats,

I remained silent;

I was not a social democrat.

Then they came for the trade unionists,

I did not protest;

I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,

I did not speak out;

I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,

there was no one left to speak out for me.

There is so much more for me to do. I hope I can realize it.

"Never doubt that a small group of dedicated people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead

The "leadership" part of the leadership academy at lancaster theological seminary always threw me off, until we found out that it was for us. us, the peer mentors. us, shawn ashley andrew omo nelson ashley megan and ally.

The instant I set foot onto the campus at lts, I feel God. "It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that 100 men or more could ever do". God is in me, with me, surrounding me. I look for God in my actions and consciously try and put God there for others to see. My other experiences with leadershipnow had let me find God for the first time. They had let others guide me to God, which is fine. Following, to me, is a key part of faith. I have always followed others to God. I realized during one of our staff meetings that I had never truly sought God myself. When I was away from lts, I felt "off duty". That I was a Christian who could find God when it was really necessary- but it was only necessary when I deemed it so.

I have since realized that God requires so much from me and in return, I require that much more from myself. Lts is the place I consistently experience God, but that does not mean that that is the only place God is. It is possible to find God other places. It is hard to say that and mean it, since it hasn't happened with strong frequency. I don't think I can expect God to just show up whenever I need God to. It is my responsibility, and desire, to factor God into every equation of my life. I may not be working with or surrounded by other Christians, but that doesn't mean God can't be there, too.

I am reconsidering seminary. I really believe that Christianity can be such a strong motivation to do good in the world when exercised in the way we are commissioned. Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, looking after the sick. If I believe that, it would make sense for me to pursue outlets that can help me further that belief. Plus, religious education is really interesting to me. It is the most interesting thing to me. I mean, I look up religious debates on theinternet for fun. Also, I've been informed of a program at eden where you get your masters of divinity and (partnered with another school in st louis) masters of social work at the same time in four years. It would be intense, but it would be both things I have thought about at the same time. There is a lot of discerning to be done.

One of my greatest mentors always says of the quote titling this entry that she wants to be a part of that small group, and I agree with her. Between my experiences at lts and in the rest of the world, I think we can do it. And I do want to be in on that.

"Every man dies; not every man really lives." William Ross Wallace

Kristina Keeley passed away today. I wouldn't go so far as to say that we were friends, even acquaintances. I don't believe she would have either. We graduated together, which means we had the same experiences since 8th grade (in my case). She was in band; 3 concerts together a year for 5 years. 15 concerts. I really am sad about not knowing her. I know that the people she was friends with were some really good people, so I'm sure she was too.

From the information I've gotten so far, she was driving and texting and a drunk driver swerved into her lane and hit her car. I am at a loss for words about the sadness that takes over and clouds my thoughts. I guess that's what this thing is for, right? To figure out my thoughts.

As long as we are living, our loss will be mourned and her life will be celebrated. She will never be forgotten and will always be loved.

I think what I will learn from Kristina's life is to love a little more. She was so young. My age. Things like texting accidents or drunk drivers... we never think it will happen to us. It will never be someone we love headlining the newspaper. How are we to respond when one day it is? Since we cannot predict the future or know when someone we love will not be with us, I think the best we can do now is love.

Tell your parents you love them. I know when my mother walks through the door after returning home from work safely, I will hug her and say "I love you". I don't want to regret not saying it when I can't anymore. Even if you see your best friend every day, don't forget to tell him or her as well. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner. Sister, brother. Our lives are so intertwined; it is crucial to remember the people who we are.

Every person that knew Kristina has been touched by her life. Her life should inspire us to live ours with love, happiness, and responsibility. I'm serious. Go tell someone that you love them. Live a life like Kristina's, full of companionship and joy.