"Everything in the universe goes by indirection. There are no straight lines." Ralph Waldo Emerson

School has been in session for two weeks now. I'm pretty sure I knew this would happen, but I'm already behind and a little burned out. Six hours per week will be committed to student organizations. Thirteen hours per week are dedicated to working tours and Niebuhr Center combined. Twelve and a half hours will be spent in class. That doesn't really sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot. I'd love to say that I feel like I am contributing and furthering my education, but I can't really say that at all. I'm not sure if I am becoming a better person. I'm not sure of relationships. I'm not sure why I do the things I do. I'm not sure if I'm breaking promises I made to myself, to friends, and to God. I don't know how to rectify those broken promises. I can't understand if I am betraying who I am and the things which I believe. I want to think I am changing the way I see the world and the way I display who I am. I also feel like I'm taking 2 steps in an opposite direction, not necessarily backward, just in a direction I was not anticipating. I've found that I'm not as good of a listener or comforter as of late because I'm too concerned with my own matters. I don't give to my friends the things they may need from me. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I feel really out of touch with God and with nature and with people in whom I have distinctly seen God. I feel like I am not compassionate or empathetic. I fear that I have run out of time to feel anything. All I feel is like the beginning of Garden State, where Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) is sitting on the airplane with chaos all around him, but he does nothing but sit there. I am engaged in the chaos, but I still feel like I am separate from it. I know exactly how someone else would see my life and what someone else would do, but I never do it for myself. I have become far too concerned with what others think of me; I value their opinions more than my own. I can't hold my ground in a conversation; I play on quick wit or sarcasm or teasing to get me through. I can remember about 3 times in the past two weeks that I have had a genuine moment with someone when I wasn't trying so hard to be something I thought I was ready to be. This will be how this semester is, or I need to learn how to say no and advocate for my needs. I've always thought I was skilled in those departments, but they seem to have disappeared in my confidence in them. It seems I have a lot of rearranging to do.