“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have already ceased striving for truth and have begun striving for ourselves” Abraham J. Heschel

Specifically: That quote is true and it's being tested today and I'm not happy about it.

Generally: I would love to be able to be able to choose how I handle situations. I get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see logically and I can't get past anything at all. It has really been detrimental to my life and will only continue to do so until I learn how the heck to keep myself on track. Anything else I say will just be a restatement of that sentence so this is where I am ending this.

I'm going to go read Twilight and escape this bullsht situation that I call my life.

“We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.” May Lamberton Becker

I'm starting to do a lot more on my own, I think. I'm becoming more self-reliant. I think. I'm not exactly sure. I'm doing things like making dinner more often, or stopping on my way home from work to get groceries. I bake. I'm currently attempting to make potato bread in the bread machine. I've been doing my own laundry for as long as I can remember. I don't do my own finances yet, but that's a bit over my head at this point. I take my own initiative to make appointments (or I will once I get back to school). I wanted to buy my own planner rather than wait for my parents to suggest to me that I get one.

I'm not sure if this is me actually growing up, or if it's me catching up to where I should be at this age. I'm not quite sure. I'm really excited to have pseudo-apartment style living this year. I feel more adult going into this year than I have for any other academic year. I feel a new dedication to my classes as well as the student organizations I intend on joining. That may be because I now have responsibilities in two of those clubs. Either way, I am feel like a part of a bigger picture. This feels like what adult life might feel like once I'm not in school anymore.

I'm also petrified that I'll get my own place some day and fall flat on my face and not know what to do. The things I enjoy are not things that will be helpful when I have to make my first rent payment. I also feel like I'm getting a little far ahead of myself here. It is a lifestyle choice of mine to enjoy the life I have while I have it while not worrying excessively about the future. I'll learn how to pay the bills when it's my responsibility to pay the bills. I'm getting a fish. That will be enough responsibility for a while.

I don't want to get burned out, but I also need to become a lot more independent and responsible. I am excited to schedule in work-out time with my roommate, Sarah, this term. I'm excited to have meetings and to be a relatively important piece of those meetings. I might go back to my grandma's for Thanksgiving without either of my parents. I want to live a full life, being myself, growing in to my self. It feels like a tricky balance: responsibility and development combined with having the fun a soon-to-be 19 year old should have. I know that I can do both: it's just doing it at the right pace that might become a bit of a challenge.

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." Pres. Obama

So here's the deal. There's crap I shouldn't do and I do it anyway. The main one I have come across as of late is judging people based on their political thought systems. It doesn't matter what mine is like, though if you've spend 5 minutes with me, it would be quite clear where my values may rest. I haven't been directly confronted with specific people or issues that have caused me to think about this; politics are the way of life of most people in the United States, even if they don't name themselves a Democrat or a Republican.

The fact of the matter is, I judge someone every time I find out that he or she thinks a different way than I do. I know that a lot of people do that even if they don't realize it, but I often feel my prejudice is a bit more of a hindrance than I'd like it today. A girl I met once updated her status on facebook with a political statement with which I disagreed and I seriously considered deleting her. How immature of me. There is a guy I was attracted to once (and still would be if he didn't live 600 miles away) and whenever I tell someone about him I say, "he's cute, he's liberal, etc etc" and continue to list off traits I find appealing.

It's natural to be drawn to people who share the same values and ideals that you do, but I actually think my preconceived notions of all people who don't think the way I do will hinder me in the future from developing good relationships. I want to expand my horizons and see things in perspectives I may not have always considered. It is easy for me to say that, but if you stick me in a room with someone with traditional views, I will dismiss their ideas as ridiculous and old-fashioned the second they open their mouths.

I really dislike that this is my mentality, but the first step to fixing a problem is admitting that that problem exists. The bottom line is this: I do want to work with all people to make a better country, a better world. I do want to learn more about peoples' life experiences and other circumstances that lead them to believe what they do. I want to be challenged in my belief system, so that when it is challenged when it might be most crucial, I can defend what I believe and know why I believe it.

I have a feeling it will be one of the hardest things I will ever undertake, but I really need (and intend) to work on being more open minded to people with different political views than my own, while still learning and developing my own platform.