"Everything in the universe goes by indirection. There are no straight lines." Ralph Waldo Emerson

School has been in session for two weeks now. I'm pretty sure I knew this would happen, but I'm already behind and a little burned out. Six hours per week will be committed to student organizations. Thirteen hours per week are dedicated to working tours and Niebuhr Center combined. Twelve and a half hours will be spent in class. That doesn't really sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot. I'd love to say that I feel like I am contributing and furthering my education, but I can't really say that at all. I'm not sure if I am becoming a better person. I'm not sure of relationships. I'm not sure why I do the things I do. I'm not sure if I'm breaking promises I made to myself, to friends, and to God. I don't know how to rectify those broken promises. I can't understand if I am betraying who I am and the things which I believe. I want to think I am changing the way I see the world and the way I display who I am. I also feel like I'm taking 2 steps in an opposite direction, not necessarily backward, just in a direction I was not anticipating. I've found that I'm not as good of a listener or comforter as of late because I'm too concerned with my own matters. I don't give to my friends the things they may need from me. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I feel really out of touch with God and with nature and with people in whom I have distinctly seen God. I feel like I am not compassionate or empathetic. I fear that I have run out of time to feel anything. All I feel is like the beginning of Garden State, where Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) is sitting on the airplane with chaos all around him, but he does nothing but sit there. I am engaged in the chaos, but I still feel like I am separate from it. I know exactly how someone else would see my life and what someone else would do, but I never do it for myself. I have become far too concerned with what others think of me; I value their opinions more than my own. I can't hold my ground in a conversation; I play on quick wit or sarcasm or teasing to get me through. I can remember about 3 times in the past two weeks that I have had a genuine moment with someone when I wasn't trying so hard to be something I thought I was ready to be. This will be how this semester is, or I need to learn how to say no and advocate for my needs. I've always thought I was skilled in those departments, but they seem to have disappeared in my confidence in them. It seems I have a lot of rearranging to do.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Mary Anne Radmacher

This entry is dedicated to one of my best friends.

She is amazing and is inspiring me to take some more action with my life and my body. I love her and I hope to be more like her.