There is too much going on. I will not list everything that is overwhelming me because that will cause me to feel selfish and obnoxious. All I can say is that I have no idea how I get here and how to get myself out. There is no time to take a break. There is no time to catch up. Deadlines are deadlines regardless of how I am feeling, or what is going on in my life. There will always be people to disappoint no matter how hard I'm trying. There will always be people who don't get my values or understand where I'm coming from. The success of my life is not a continuum. There is not 100% of me to allocate to class, Ministry Team, SLC, Illuminae, BGG, admissions and whatever else I happen to be doing. I need to give 100% to all of those things. I do not know how to do that.
I want to live alone. I want to control my academic life and my social life. I want to be able to see people when I can (and want to). I want to choose. I want to be able to go home and cry, or not do dishes, and never vacuum unless company is coming over. I want to be able to do a good job. I need to do a good job and I feel like I can't right now. I do not know what to do. There are too many things to put on a list. 31 e-mails in my inbox, which is a lot for me. I usually have about 4, because I take care of them and put them in their folder.
I want to be any place but inside my head.
Dear Ally--
ReplyDeleteI love you SOOOOO much and not to add to your stress but I miss you! :(
But really girl-you are amazing and even though you feel like it would be easier to be in control of your life, it's not. I'm learning a lot lately to let go of being in control and let God take over. Let Him have the steering wheel. Take a deep breath. Cry if you have to cry. Pray...a LOT. Calm yourself down and do the work that NEEDS to be done first and then go from there. You have a community (either close in physical distance or close at heart...i.e.LTS) who has your back and is ready to support you, pray for you, and pick you up. And the best part is WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!! :) Always remember to smile. I've been having a rough senior year, but I've learned to cry when I have to, but ALWAYS smile as though I'm not hurting. I've found it to work well! Anyways I love you!!!!
--Brittani Fry